Women of Color - are you overburdened and underfulfilled?

We can get lots of satisfaction from being seen as “good,” “responsible,” and “reliable” because it gives us opportunities to connect with others. It feels good to be counted on.

You get a high from the praise for your attention to detail. Being thanked for thinking a million steps ahead and having backup plans and resources for anything that didn’t go according to plan makes you feel like a superhero! Okay, maybe not a superhero but pretty damn badass! The only thing is, when you start to feel that folks only recognize you and seek you out for your performance and execution, it can be hard to say no to their requests because you feel that they’re connecting with you. You feel seen and appreciated and actually valued. And then the requests keep coming and you keep saying yes and you’re feeling even more appreciated and useful. . . . but are you being valued for you or are you valued for what you do for others and how you make their lives easier?

After painful experiences, many of us search for ways to avoid feeling that pain ever again. Some of us choose to quiet the pain with substances, others stuff it down it with never-ending distractions. Maybe the pain came from  being rejected and feeling worthless because our best efforts weren’t good enough for someone who is really important to us.

There are even some of us who want to know all the details of everything beforehand so we know what to expect and how to respond, lest something catches us off guard and we feel out of control and that we’ve lost the handle on the situation.

We choose perfectionism because we’ve learned that not performing at the level expected of us leads to rejection and disconnection from the people we want to be close to. For those of us who learned that following the rules and living up to others’ expectations of us was the safest path towards feeling good enough, we eventually notice that we are exhausted trying to keep up with the demands of being “good,” “responsible,” and “reliable.”

When we’re living with everyone else’s priorities and desires before ours, we start to lose touch with who we really are. It can be easy to slide into thinking that the reason why we can’t get what we really want is because we don’t matter and no one really cares about us and it’s been so long since we actually got something just for ourselves so why try now? Maybe you go so far as saying to yourself “I’m a loser,” or “I suck,” or even “of course I didn’t get what I want because everyone thinks I’m dumb and nobody wants to deal with me” (in your head of course, never out loud because no one can know that you have these thoughts).

All of that can lead to us feeling like we’re the problem. Like something’s wrong with us. Like if we just had one chance to fix it all, then everything would be better. But the thing is, when we are so ingrained in pleasing others and making sure everything is perfect, we often forget what it is that we really want and need. And that realization can often lead us to feeling even more not good enough, worthless, and like failures.

I know firsthand it’s not at all easy to get out from under years and years of habits that keep us safe but miserable. Physically close to others but emotionally disconnected from them. So disconnected from ourselves that we look in the mirror and can barely recognize who is looking back at us.

With therapy, we create an opportunity to reprioritize you and your needs and explore how we can restructure your habits and beliefs to get you closer to living the life you want to be living and thriving in.

Our memories are stored as images, sounds, and body sensations that we combine into stories to help us easily access the lessons from the memories so that we know how to respond when faced with similar experiences in the future. Memories of painful, stressful, or traumatic experiences are often stored with the distressing images, sounds, and body sensations of the experience, leading us to respond to similar present-day experiences in the same way we did in the past.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic treatment that facilitates the brain's natural healing process, leading to reduced distress and enhanced emotional resilience. The EMDR treatment mechanism allows us to replace unhelpful conclusions like "I can't do anything right," "no one will ever help me," or "I'm not good enough" with conclusions like "I am good at what I want to be good at," "I deserve to be cared for," or "there are people who love me for who I am."

When you are ready, we start by understanding your current situation, the circumstances that brought you to therapy, your goals in therapy, and building trust and safety with each other to set the foundation for our work together. Then, we explore any connections between the reasons you’re seeking therapy at this time and potential sticky memories/experiences from your past - distant or recent - to edit the story to something more empowering and supportive and less shame-y and perfectionistic. Lastly, we practice putting your transformed self-concept into real-world situations to actively strengthen your self-confidence, self-trust, and self-compassion. During each session, we review how your process is going and collaborate to make any tweaks as necessary.

Traumatic experiences often involve ruptures in relationships - whether that is the relationship with others, with systems and structures we have trusted, or even with ourselves. Effective trauma recovery requires consistent opportunities and commitments to rebuild healthy, supportive, and trusting relationships with ourselves and others. To that effect, the most important factor of trauma therapy is feeling safe, seen, and heard by your therapist.

I have a collaborative approach to trauma recovery because while I am licensed to provide effective mental health treatments, you are the expert of your life. My role as a therapist is to provide a non-judgmental, attuned presence for you to remember who you are and who you still can be. I am not the right fit for you if you aren't open to being curious about the parts of yourself you've been trying to avoid, to experiment with relating to yourself more kindly, or if you expect your therapist to tell you what to do so you can keep striving for perfection.

I am here to hold your vision of a life worth living and redirect you towards it when you’re feeling “off track.” I'm pretty sure you have a lot of the answers you're looking for swimming around within you and sometimes you just need an experienced guide who truly sees you and believes in your dreams with you to guide you through the waters.